


Cicatrix

by ukulele_villian



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional and physical scars, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukulele_villian/pseuds/ukulele_villian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben intertwines his fingers through hers and knows he does not deserve this. He has never been worthy of this caliber of connection. She’ll tell him other wise, he’s not sure when he’ll start believing her. He muses that maybe he never will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cicatrix

Ben had lost the luxury of being able to sleep on his back long before Rey had entered his life. 

He already had enough variables keeping him from a restful sleep. Nightmares, anxieties, and his own inner voices taking priority over something as simple as his old lacerations. His scars will never fully heal and deep down he’s glad they won’t. There’s one scar on his face that serves as his biggest reminder. Ben feels a warped sense of happiness about that particular mark never leaving. Ben turns his eyes upward to glance at the woman who gave him that scar.

Rey's form is so minuscule compared to him and it really shows when they lay together in the same bed. She traces her finger over his back while she sits with her legs crossed, his cloak drapes over her and hides her form in the darkness of their room. She’s looking down at him while he attempts to rest. She stares with a mixture of her usual affection and some curiosity. Ben can’t help but think that he doesn’t deserve any of this. He’s grateful it’s dark enough that she can’t see his face. 

It wasn’t long ago that the only thing she felt for him was hatred and envy. Their relationship’s nature had drastically changed, but Rey still doesn’t know everything about his past, nor does he now everything about her past. They’ve both seen each other’s deepest fears and will know each other more than any other human could, yet there is still unexplored frontiers for them. Physical touch had been especially taxing and so has sharing a room. 

Rey begins to trace a particularly big scar going down the left side of his back. She’ll never ask him directly where he received all of his wounds. Ben can never properly convey to her how grateful he is to not have her try to cajole him with questions like his mother or Luke. He pays her the same respect.

“Sciron Ren…” Ben murmurs.

“What ?” Rey stops tracing his lesions.

“That scar, it was from one of my former knights. His name was Sciron Ren.” Ben can’t for the life of him remember how Sciron had joined their ranks, nor can he recall ever seeing the man’s face. Ironically, he does remember the knight’s former name. He also remembers the knight's hubris, taunts, and masochism.

“He used to be known as Mayriks.” 

Ben wants her to know him. From the moment she spit his worst fear out while she was trapped on Star Killer, he’s wanted her to understand. He just can't get up the courage to say anything else, he isn't even sure what he should say. 

Rey is still looking down at his back. Ben notices a contemplative look and some thoughts settle on the surface of her mind.  
Her mind has always been a bottomless river with sea monsters, dreams, and thoughts lurking at the surface and below, and Ben’s mind has always been an untamable river current with a thousand wishes, fears, and doubts swirling together.

To Ben’s surprise, Rey lifts the cloak she's wearing part way to reveal her torso. Then she does something he never would expect; she gently lift his hand and guides it to a scar running vertically from her stomach to just under her ribcage. This intimate touch sends shivers through their bond and up Ben’s spine.

“Steelpeckers,” she names the species of animal assailant with a forbidding tone. “Plutt made me go. ”

Rey holds his hand to the spot while rubbing her thumb over his fingers. He feels as if she has given him a gift. They’ve entered an almost ritualistic bonding. They both have been cautious about how much they share, yet neither have ever pushed the other to continue past what they are willing to discuss. 

Ben intertwines his fingers through her’s and knows he does not deserve this. He has never been worthy of this caliber of connection. She’ll tell him other wise, he’s not sure when he’ll start believing her. He muses that maybe he never will.

“Some of my marks, they come from my own accord….” Ben sputters at the end of his sentence. Rey’s hand freezes and Ben suddenly wishes she had kept rubbing his hand and that he hadn’t ruined the moment. 

"I thought- ?" Rey's face scrunches. Ben panics.

"No," he needs to comeback from this, "Some were encouragement from The Suprem-" He halts his words and is disgusted with himself. He looks to Rey and sees that her eyes are wide.

“You’re repulsed.” Ben squeezes Rey’s hand, desperately trying to read her emotions, his observation comes out somewhat as a question. He had worried before that Rey thought his scars were disgusting, now he's sure she can't even stand to look at him. 

Ben swallows and can’t find anyway to make his confession any less prominent. His own self-loathing fills their bond and he can’t find where he ends and Rey’s emotions begin. What’s even worse is he has absolutely no clue why he suddenly wanted to voice that to her. The darkness in the room isn’t enough, he misses his mask at moments like these. 

Rey doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t ask him to clarify, she doesn’t need him to. Instead, Rey gives him another incredible gift. Rey lays down beside him and sends an emotion to him that has been taboo for half his life; compassion.

**Author's Note:**

> I assume Ben is ashamed of the scars he gave to himself and ones he received from Snoke because he believes he deserves them, and if you've read the companion novel "Rey's Story" or "Rey's Survival Guide" you'll know that Unkar Plutt 'employed' scavengers to go on dangerous missions.


End file.
